Title: Always Been Mine
Author: Eaglewolf
Spoilers: Umm up to current?
Mild Summary: Buffy's realised what she's lost.. So whats she going to do about it?
Rating: PG14
Pairing: Buffy/Giles
Distribution: Want it?? Then it's official... I love you :) Just tell me where.
Feedback: Would I seem rude if I said "GIMME"!!.
Disclaimer: Mine all mine.. Damn you caught me.. Okay the invisible ink says Not.. ie Not mine not all mine
Dedication: For anyone who's ever missed an oppurtunity but had the guts to chase after it even after all hope is gone.

I lay the chair back into a more comfortable position, and close my eyes. It's going to take me a while to get where I'm going. So far, but I'd go a million times further to have him back in my life. I miss his comforting presence so much. I miss his smile, his laughter... I even miss his sarcasm.

He'd always been mine, ya know? Always been there for me. Stopping me from making stupid mistakes, or cleaning up the mess if he was too late to stop me. Did he ever yell at me? No. Did he always forgive me no matter how bad a mess I'd made of everything? Yes.

God, How do I tell him what's in my heart? How do I make him understand, that even though I am the slayer, I am Buffy. I'm a woman and I've just realized although he's my watcher, He is a man. I see that now. I'd kept my eyes closed for so long. Hiding behind my "Ewws" and "that's gross."

But I loved him, always have. He's gone you know. Left me, said he never would, but he has. He's gone. I realized I have to follow him. Have to tell him what's in my heart, and then if I need to I can run again. Run away from him and back to good old Sunnydale.

I know he loves me. I know he always has. Our relationship is changing, always has been. I realized when the others told me how he'd been looking for me, just how much he loved me. I'd suspected then, at the prom I knew. I was so consumed by my suffering I never saw his. Our love for each other has always been changing. Father for child to friend for friend... but now it's different. I close my eyes and imagine his lips upon mine, my hands running through his hair. It's funny the day after I realized that I was going to tell him but he chose that day to tell me he was leaving. Going home to England. I couldn't think straight, I just stared at him with my mouth agape, before I turned and ran.

Every night now I lie and think about how much I put him through. He told me all I would ever get from him was his support and respect. He lied to me, he's given me so much more than that. *ANYTIME* I have needed him he's been there. Even when he told me I had to learn to survive without him... We both knew if I hadn't been so shell shocked and ran. If I had pleaded with him he would have dropped everything for me. Especially her. He was never hers, he's always been mine.

How do I repay him? I walk away and act so childish... Live without you? I'll show you. Only going to him when I *really* needed to. Only letting him know I was there when I needed his help. Every night after patrol I would stop by his place as if I was going to go inside, as I used to. I'd even raise my hand to the door handle, but at the last moment I would turn and leave. I don't know if he ever heard me. I know he was awake, he'd told me he never could sleep without knowing I was okay. I was so selfish.

I've changed so much since he left. Did some growing up. Even when he wasn't in my life, he was still here. When he left he took away my fallback. The thought if worst comes to worst Giles will be there to help figure it all out had always been there. But since he left, there has been no fall back. Sure we have all the books, and Willow has set up a great database of all the information but it's not the same. I miss him, I feel like a piece of me is missing.

I told Willow I was going to find him. She handed me a piece of paper with his address and smiled. She told me to take good care of him, and bring him home. I told her I'd try. I really will, I have to convince him he's the only watcher... No He's the only man for me. I have to try; it's the least I can do. I can feel him you know. His heart is breaking, and he'll convince himself that he's just imagining mine as well. But he can feel me. Sometimes when I sleep I can see him in my dreams, he's always screaming my name; I go to him and hold him, rocking him until he calms down. He always looks me in the eyes and tells me he's sorry he left me, but he couldn't go on loving me the way he did. He'd convinced himself it was wrong.

I wonder if we share these dreams, or if it's just me trying to convince myself that he does love me the way I love him. There is only one way to find out, I have to ask him. I can't let myself think beyond finding him. I need to find him, to kiss him, to tell him I love him and then beg him to come home with me. If he says no, then I'll turn and go. I'll whisper I love you one more time and leave him where he wants to be, far away from me. I won't tell him that without him I'll die, that would be something the old me would have done. I would have convinced him he was the only Watcher good enough to take care of me. But it's not Giles the Watcher I want... it's Giles the man.

ALWAYS BEEN HERS