Title: Always Been Hers
Author: Eaglewolf
Spoilers: Umm up to current?
Mild Summary: Giles thinks he knows his slayer.
Rating: PG14
Pairing: Buffy/Giles
Distribution: Want it?? Then it's official... I love you :) Just tell me where. Feedback: You know you don't really need air to breathe.. Just feedback:)
Disclaimer: Whimper.. IF they were mine.. do you think I'd be writing fanfic or do you think I'd be rearranging the show in a way I like better?? Hmmmm
Dedication: Donna, who is no longer a beta virgin. And For anyone who thinks they know someone else's mind.. Remember you don't know anyone but your own. Take that chance.

I glance into the glass and watch the amber liquid slosh around inside. I wish it was scotch, but I know better these days. It's mugi-cha, a kind of iced tea I learnt to make in Japan. I knew it as wrong. From the oment I realized my feelings towards her had changed, knew it was wrong. How could I love her as a man loves a woman, when she's only ever seen me as a father figure? Or as her Watcher, her librarian, but never as a man? I had to leave. To watch her get her heart broken time and time again, hurt me too much.

To know I could never tell her of my hearts desire. I wanted nothing more than to take her in my arms and hold her tight until she felt safe. No-one understands her like I do. No-one can. The look on her face when I told her I was leaving. The way she bit her lip, I could have sworn I saw tears well in her eyes. She only had to say one word... just one word and I would have stayed. I would have suffered through my own pain.. All she needed to do was look me in the eye and say "Stay." And I would have stayed for her. If she'd had said "Please" I would have stayed. One word from her and I would have stayed.

But she didn't she looked at me. She'd even opened her mouth to say something, but in the end she had run, run from me. I guess I knew then that the easy friendship we had once shared was over. She used to tell me everything, ask me anything. She would ask anything of me. I gave up my chance at love for her twice over. Maybe even more. Maybe there was someone else interested in me, but for me... I only ever saw her. Even now, half way across the world, every time I see a blonde with a similar body shape to hers, my breath catches in my throat and my heart beats faster.

I have a crazy fantasy you see, that she will realize just how much I mean to her. She will realize just how much she needs me and she'll come looking for me. She has my number, she's called me a few times and I've called her, but it's not the same. The silence isn't comfortable over the phone, it's just static. Expensive static. I still have trouble sleeping if I don't know she's okay. Willow always emails me, letting me know Buffy's still safe, still alive. She understands, she always did. She's too good to say anything dear sweet Willow. I hope with Tara she can finally find that happiness.. I hope Xander is coping without me there to turn to like he did so many times in the past. Not that I was ever any help with his women troubles. I had enough of my own. He was like a son to me, that boy.. Now he's grown and he's a man. I guess he will always be part child though, that's what makes him Xander.

Since the moment she walked into the prom I realized I could never be a father to her and she could never be my daughter. She was a woman in every sense of the word, and I'd just been kidding myself since the day we met. How could Watcher/Slayer be anything but lovers? Or are we special? Do we have that special something that make loving each other unavoidable? Loving each other? I mean that makes me, love her. She couldn't love a battered old fool like me.

I sleep a lot more these days; she comes to me in my dreams as I sob, calling for her. I tell her how much I love her, and she holds me tight, telling me to Shh, it's okay. She tells me she loves me, and not to fight when she finally tells me. As if she knows I'll try to stop her from loving an old man like me. I'm too old for her, although she did love someone over 200 years older than me. He looked young though, but he had no heartbeat. He was cold, he didn't breathe. I breathe my heart beats. My heart beats for you Buffy, just for you.

She came to the airport with me, I was leaving her my car and everything else. I remember the way she held me tight, and whispered, "you will come home one day, won't you Giles?" And I'd smiled softly at her, my heart breaking and said as gently as I could "England is my home, love." She'd shook her head and buried her face in my shoulder and muttered something I couldn't quite catch. I like to pretend she said "You're home is with me you stubborn old fool." but she wouldn't. She sees me as a father, someone who will always be there to pick up the pieces. It hurts to be so far away, and not be able to help her sweep up.

I'll always be hers. My heart, my body and my soul will always belong to her. Olivia, Jenny they never had a chance, not really. I will always ache for her, and her alone. She's the only one for me. Watcher and Slayer. That's the only way she'll ever see me. She'll never realize underneath all the clothes, away from all the books, I'm a man. Just a man. A fool really. A fool who fell head over heels in love with her. Senile Old Fool. But god I wish I could hold her in my arms just once more.

We didn't touch much over the years, only in training or healing, sometimes in comfort. I wish we'd had the kind of friendship where we could hug. Like the way she and Willow hugged. I was so jealous of them then, having that easy friendship. The kind of friendship where you didn't need to worry about bounds or keeping the proper distance. However every touch is burned into my brain, the memories as clear as the day they happened. Oh Buffy love, if only I hadn't fallen in love with you. I'd still be in Sunnydale watching over you. I wonder if being there with you would be easier than this pain I feel..

I feel as though I've been ripped in half, and you have half my soul in your hands. Oh Buffy, why did I ever leave you? Because you would never love me in the way I need you to, and watching those pillocks destroy you was destroying me. That's why I had to leave.. Oh love, I hope you are happy even without me there. I'll never be happy without you, but I'll survive.. Beside you, I don't think I could.

Forgive this old fool for loving you so much?

ALWAYS SORRY