Title: Always Sorry
Author: Eaglewolf
Spoilers: Umm up to current?
Mild Summary: Buffy asks one final thing of Giles
Rating: PG-14
Pairing: Buffy/Giles
Distribution: Want it?? Then it's official... I love you :) Just tell me where.
Feedback: Oh joy of joys... You all know how much it means to me.
Disclaimer: Whimper.. Joss owns it all.
Dedication: For all those who know there is a time to ask, and a time to stand back.

I found him. I kissed him. I told him I loved him. He kissed me back, you don't kiss someone like that if you don't care. There was something in his kiss, then he seemed to snap out of it. He took a step back, told me he loved me but he couldn't be there for me. Told me it hurt him to look at me. He hurt me so badly. I did it again, when words fail me I run. I don't know London, I just ran not caring where I went. I heard him scream my name after me but I couldn't stop.

It hurts him to look at me. What was I thinking? My dreams shattered. I won't force him to see. I won't ask him to listen. I'll go back tonight. I'll find him, I'll tell him to look into my eyes, and if he can't see what I'm trying to tell him then I'll kiss him again, hug him tight. I will ask him if he won't give me forever to give me just one night in his arms. One night to savour and remember as I fight on the hell mouth. I know I won't last long if he doesn't come back with me. I used to want to live so badly, I wanted to make him proud. But Now, If he's not by my side... I see what Spike means about the Slayer's death wish now. I don't want to live without him.

He's so afraid of me. Of me. What did I do to him to scare him so much? What did I do to make him think I didn't.. that I couldn't care? Did I really scar him so deeply? Do my emotional scars run deeper than the physical scars inflicted by Angelus? Oh God, Did I do that to him? What right do I have to ask him for just one night? Just one night wrapped safe in his arms, making love to me all night. With Giles it would never be sex, it could never be sex. He is mine, as he has always been mine. Can't he see that? He's mine, just as I have never been anything but his. We are a matched set. Watcher/Slayer. Buffy/Rupert. Lover/Best friend. Oh God Giles, don't you understand? Can't you?

Are you so scared to take that chance at happiness? Do you honestly think I would come all the way here to tell you I love you, ask you to come back, and once I have you back do you honestly think I would just discarded you? I would never do that to you. Do you have such little faith in me? Oh God, What have I done to you, to us to make you think that of me? Oh it hurts so much. I can't stop the tears as I run. Everything is blurry. I need to stop, sit down and calm down. I need to stop, to think clearly of how to convince you best that we are meant to be.

Do you honestly think you were the only one who felt it? Why do you think I pushed you away so hard? I'm not good enough, I'm never good enough. You were too good for me, and I was so scared of losing you I pushed you away. I'm sorry Giles. I'm so sorry. Everything I have ever survived is because of you. When I came looking to you for guilt, you forgave me. When I came home after running even though the others chastised me all you did was look at me and say "Welcome Home Buffy." and smile that special Buffy smile you have just for me. I know it's just for me. I've seen the way you smile at the others. You are like a father to them to Xander, Willow and the others. But for me there has always been something predatory in your smile. It didn't hit me until the Prom when I saw you standing there in that tux. When I turned to say Goodbye to Angel I knew when I turned you would be there doing what you have always done best. Watching me.

You think I haven't noticed you watching me when I fall asleep on your couch after a late patrol? As soon you heard me stir you would stand and walk away, but I knew you'd been sitting on the coffee table watching me. I wondered what you were doing and then when I saw you at the Prom, I saw you gasp. You love me Rupert Giles. And sometimes love IS enough. I just have to convince you of that. Convince you that I've only ever been yours. Don't you see?

I've calmed down enough now and I walk back to where I left him. Seeing him there my heart breaks again. His head is resting in his hands, and I hear him mutter 'Oh Buffy.. I love you so much.. If only you'd asked me to stay at the time.. I would have. I would have done anything for you. But now I don't have the strength.. I can't go on. It hurts too much.'

I put my hand on his shoulder, and he looks up at me. This time he doesn't hide the tears from me. How do I cope with this? How do I deal? Giles is crying. Giles is crying because of me. 'I'm such a bad person.' I mutter.

His head snaps up, the tears still falling from his intense green eyes. "You, Buffy, my dearest love are *not* bad. I love you so much it hurts so I left. I couldn't deal with watching them line up to toss your heart about. It's something that should be treasured. My heart couldn't take it anymore." he lowers his voice to a whisper "So I ran."

I stiffen at these words and I bend down as if to kiss him and whisper just above his lips "I always come back to you Giles, I always come back." then I lower my lips to his to kiss him again. It's intoxicating, I could stand here forever and just kiss him until the end of the world, and then I would just keep kissing him after that. I pull back as I hear him whimper. I pull back and look at him as if it's the first and last time I'm ever to see him. My fingers trace each worry line.. "I put these here." I murmur and then I trace the laugh lines and smile gently "I put these here too." I step back and his arms automatically come up to encircle my waist. I smile again he doesn't want me to leave, I wonder if he realises what he's done. Does he realise what he's telling me? I take a deep breath I have to tell him.

"Giles.. I want you to listen to me.." I put my finger to his lips as he starts to speak, "Please." He nods and is silent watching me intently.. His eyes look so sad. "Giles, I love you. I am not going to ask you to come back to Sunnydale with me although that is the reason I came here. I realise now that is something the old Buffy would have done, but she's gone Giles.. I've changed, when you left I had to grow up and I had to grow up fast. I want you to come back with me, but I need you to want to come back for your own reasons, not because I beg you into it." I cover his mouth with my hand as he starts to speak again. "Please?" again he nods and is silent. "Even if you decide you don't want to come home.. I have something else I must ask of you. This is the one thing I will ever ask you to do for me. I want you to make love to me tonight Giles. Because I don't want to die not knowing what your touch upon my skin feels like. I need to know, and after that I will turn and go back to Sunnydale. It would be my wish to do so in your arms, but I will not ask that of you. So Giles, Will you make love to me tonight? Be mine just tonight, and in the morning I will catch my flight home. I have a ticket for you Giles should you decide to come with me, or if not. But make love to me?"

My breath catches again as he looks into my soul, through my eyes. I convey every feeling I have ever had for him and hope that it is enough. If it's not enough to let him love me up close, then I hope it is enough to let him make love to me tonight. After all that is our dream, to become one. It's something the both of us want. He nods slowly, and pulls me down so I sit on his lap. "I'll make love to you tonight Buffy, but that's all I can promise."

"That's all I can ask of you." I whisper in reply. We go back to his home, and I find heaven. He makes me feel like no man ever has, like no man ever could. He's spoilt me now for any other man, no-one but him could ever live up to his expert love making. It's daylight again when we finally close our eyes, he holds me tight and I listen to his heartbeat soothe me to sleep. This is where I want to be every night, wrapped up in my lovers arms.

The next morning when we awake I kiss him gently, and he makes love to me again, slowly as if he's saying goodbye. As if he wants to memorize everything about our love making. I can't blame him I'm doing the same thing, just in case although I'm hoping against hope that it won't be the last. I'm so scared and he kisses my forehead and whispers "I love you Buffy."

I can't stop the tears as I tell him how much I love him. He knows I want to ask what he's decided, and he knows how hard it is for me not to. I think he's starting to believe I've changed. Finally he rises from the bed leaving me to dress. I stand with my bag by the door and turn to look at him. He comes over and kisses me. First on the forehead, then on my closed eyes, and finally softly gently on my lips. He is shirtless. I know his answer, I hear him whisper "I'm sorry Buffy." and I nod before reaching to kiss him one last time.

"So am I, Rupert. So am I." I turn and walk to the waiting taxi.. waiting for me to start my journey home. Alone, as I've never been before.

ALWAYS LONELY