Title: Shattered Illusions
Author: Eaglewolf
Email: auzzie98@hotmail.com
Spoilers: The Gift
Summary: Go on alone, or struggle on together?
Rating: PG14
Pairing: Buffy/Giles
Distribution: Everyone likes free things.. Please take it just let me know where you are housing it
Feedback: You like to give it? I love to get it;)
Disclaimer: Joss and his playmates in the sandbox own it. It's getting crowded in there
Dedication: Morrwen, because without you this fic never would have seen the light of day again, and because you are one kick arse friend;)

The first thing he had done was to phone his slayer. On that fateful night when Angelus had left the gift lying in his bed, her body broken and destroyed, as if he knew she would stop him before it was too late.

He'd wanted to avenge Jenny's death. The inner rage had taken control and he'd forgotten his sacred duty, forgotten everything he had ever taught his charge and gone into the fight with a clouded mind.

The tears were streaming down his cheeks, and he called out for her in his sleep.

The first thing she had done when her mother was gone was phone him; they were each others link to sanity when nothing made sense. But now she was gone and that link destroyed. He could never ring her again. He had so many nightmares now, always calling out for his beloved, seeking her as if she could hear him and would comfort him. An anguished scream of a wounded animal caught in a trap could be heard from Giles' apartment; his dreams played on. His illusions of a happy life for her were shattered.

Buffy looked up to his window, hearing him call her name over and over. She wanted to go to him so badly, to cradle him against her chest and rock him until all the nightmares went away but she couldn't. She knew from experience no matter how much you were held, the nightmares never went away. It was only when you faced them head on that they lost their power over you, but the more you tried to push them away the more they would rise to the surface.

She was not what she once had been, and her heart ached that she couldn't comfort him in the way she once would have. It wasn't supposed to have worked out this way she thought, they were meant to win. They had won her final battle, but the cost had been her life. She was merely a shadow of what she used to be.

As she heard his anguished cry once again, her decision was made; she made her way into his home. She approached the bed slowly, and gasped as she saw him. He was dressed in only grey boxers, and the sheets were wrapped around his legs, dripping with sweat. He was moaning as he tossed and turned calling out for her continuously. She wondered how long this had been happening and knew in her heart it was since that terrible night. Since she'd chosen Dawn's life over her own.

Buffy moved towards the bed, and lay her hand over his chest, his heart was beating fast and erratically, he was covered in sweat. She sat down on the edge of the bed and leaned back on the pillows. She followed her instincts, deciding not to wake him but gently began to stroke his hair as he cried out to her once again.

Here, for the moment, she was physical again. Their love for each other gave her form. Buffy smiled. Deep down she'd always know Giles was meant for her and secretly she had wondered what he would do when he didn't have his slayer to watch. They'd told her this was the way it had to be. She could only watch over him as he slept; her form would fade as he woke unless... They had trailed off not telling her what she had to do to be given back permanent form, she knew Giles would know. If only he would wake, and she could stay instead of fading.

"Shh Giles, I'm here. I'm with you, it's okay." He seemed to quieten under her touch and he moved in his sleep so his head was cradled on her lap. He seemed to snuggle down into her leg and his breathing slowed. She rubbed his bare back and felt his pulse starting to slow. She hoped his nightmares were over for the night, but she had a feeling she'd arrived at just the beginning. Buffy just kept cooing sweet nothings, in an attempt to let him know she was there. She wondered why he hadn't woken up but she knew the nightmares were the reason she was there. She hoped he would wake and see her there, yet he never did.

Giles cried out for her again, "Buffy, it's my fault. I'm so sorry Buffy. If it weren't for me you'd still be here. No Buffy! NO!!!!" his voice faded into whimperings.

"Shh," she whispered. "I'm here. It's okay." He quieted again but was still shaking violently. Buffy leaned down to kiss him on the forehead. "Shh, let me help you, Giles."

"Buffy." She wasn't sure if it was a moan, a request or an entreaty. She pressed her lips to his forehead again and continued to make soothing noises, as he slowly stopped shaking. His eyes opened and his green eyes bored into her own. He stopped breathing for a second, his heart racing.

"Buffy?" he pleaded, knowing it had to be just a dream.

"Giles," she murmured quietly as she faded from sight, leaving him feeling empty and more alone than ever before.

He stared at the spot her ghostly form had been for a long time, before he rationalised it by telling himself he just wanted her home so much, he'd dreamt the whole thing. The place she'd kissed him still burned as if he was marked by her. He sighed and stood, the nightmares had plagued him again and he needed to shower.

He stood in the shower letting the water course over him. In someway it was as if the water was washing away not only the sweat but also the guilt he had carried since her death. Somehow seeing her again, vision, dream or a trick of the light had taken a weight off his shoulders. He knew that somewhere somehow she still cared about him and that she'd forgiven him for all the pain he'd caused her. He knew she also wanted him to forgive himself.

He wrapped a towel around his waist and re-entered his bedroom. He opened the curtains and stared out at the night. "Buffy, until you were gone I never could have admitted how much I needed you. I fooled myself, never letting myself see how I really felt. I told myself so many lies over the years. I wish you would come back to me." Giles noticed one star twinkling brighter than the others, "I miss you." He didn't try to wipe away the tears that fell, he considered them an honour, a badge of how much his Slayer had meant to him.

Giles sighed as he looked at his bed. The covers were twisted, and the sheets were all sweaty. He knew if he didn't change the sheets he'd end up sleeping on the couch downstairs, his back gave a twinge at the mere thought of it. He pulled the covers and sheets off, and just made it up roughly before falling back onto it. He'd slept a good solid 8 hours but he was still exhausted, it was as if the nightmares sapped his strength.

Buffy looked around what she'd come to think of as the holding cell. There were no barriers, but she knew she wasn't exactly anywhere. She felt more like she was waiting, for something. She didn't know what but she knew she needed it. The stark whiteness of the place had made her examine herself more closely; especially her feelings.

"He needs you. We see you quieted him," the voice came from nowhere and everywhere all at once. "And you? Do you need him? Can you feel his burning need for you?"

Buffy knew there was no point in trying to hide anything from the voice, it would see through any lie she could tell, any fabrication she could make up to save herself, to hide because it was safer than admit her feelings for Giles.

She said nothing, yet bared her soul at the same time. Every memory she had of Giles played before them, every feeling he had ever invoked in her she felt again. Fear, distrust, hope, faith, trust, anger and through them all, the strongest undercurrent was love. The love she felt for him was tangible in this place, it shone brighter than the white of the place around her.

"Go. He needs you again. You have a week, if you learn how to stay, then you will stay with him until it is time for you both to move on, together. If you do not learn in this time you will continue on your journey alone. When he wakes you will return here, and we will talk again."

Suddenly Buffy was standing next to Giles' bed again. He was whimpering for her in his sleep. She knew that the best way to quiet him was to hold him and murmur sweet nothings to him. Her form wasn't quite physical but it wasn't quite ethereal either.

Each time he was plagued by nightmares she held him. His sleep was easier for feeling her there, he didn't know it when he was awake but somehow when he slept he knew she was there. He always awoke to see her fade from his sight, only ever saying one word. His name. Somehow he knew there was a way to save her but that it wasn't up to him. Buffy would have to discover the way for herself.

Every night he would sit and stare at what he thought of Buffy's star and talk to her. He'd pour out all his hopes and dreams to that star, always wondering if she could hear him baring his soul to her, finally. He slept easier in her presence, and she would disappear each time he awoke.

Buffy knew that she had a choice to make. She could fight to stay with him or she could move on and wait for him. Since her death, she finally understood that Giles loved her even more than he would have ever admitted. She knew he'd accepted it now, as had she. She'd sit down sometimes in the holding cell and wonder about past and future slayers. The first time the movie screen had appeared in front of her she'd jumped. She didn't this time when the screen once again showed her the lives of the previous slayers. So many of them had ended up in their Watcher's arms and so many had died before they'd even needed to make choices about love.

Buffy sat and thought quietly, she knew tonight was the last night she would see Giles. If she didn't find a way to stay, she would move onto the next step after the holding cell. She'd never see Giles again. Did she want to move on? She could feel the peace beckoning her from heaven. Then she thought of Giles and felt an overwhelming yearning to be with him, to touch him. to make love to him.

She smiled, "I have made my decision."

"You must find the way, child, only then may you stay."

Buffy didn't wonder why the voice knew what he decision was. She knew that all that mattered was figuring out how to stay with Giles. She had an idea but she wasn't sure it would work. She knew that if she didn't at least try, the longing would kill her in the end. She would be stuck in limbo. If she tried and didn't succeed, then she would just go on and wait for him, knowing that at least she had tried.

She found herself standing in his apartment, once more next to his bed. His dreams were quiet for once. She smiled, thinking that maybe he would be okay without her there to quiet him. She glanced around the room. This could be the very last time she was standing there. She felt a teardrop form and make it's way down her cheek. She caught the teardrop with her index finger and slowly transferred it to Giles cheek. She watched as her teardrop fell down his cheek and then she realised hers wasn't the only tear drop falling.

"I'm so scared to open my eyes, Buffy." Giles murmured. "I'll open my eyes and you'll be gone. I'd go blind to keep you by my side always." His arms reached out and found her. He pulled her to him. She looked down at him and kissed him on the cheek gently.

"I'm here. I'm here. I miss you so much Giles. I don't know how to stay. I know that every time you wake up and open your eyes I'm back there again. But this is my last chance, Giles. Game over if I don't work it out today." She felt more tears fall from her eyes and wondered as they splashed onto his hands. They were real. She was becoming more substantial.

"I miss you too, Buffy. Words could never express how much I miss you. I love you with every sense of my being." Giles whispered, wanting desperately to open his eyes and gaze upon her beautiful face, and knowing if he did.

Buffy smiled as she turned to straddle him and ran her fingers over his face. "I love you too Rupert Giles." She leaned down and kissed him so very gently. There was an eternity in that kiss and they knew perfection for a split second. "I love you, I love you." She whispered again and again. They kissed again, and Buffy felt something change.

"Giles?" she whispered.

"Mm?" His eyes were still tightly shut. His hands running up and down her back, trying to memorise exactly what she felt like.

"Open your eyes."

Slowly he opened one eye and then the other, his heart racing faster than it ever had in his life, thinking that she would just fade from his sight. But he could deny her nothing, she had asked him to open his eyes and so he had.

"Buffy," he looked upon her with such intensity thinking this might be the last second he ever saw her. He pulled her tighter to him expecting she would soon be gone.

"Giles?" she smiled through her tears. "Giles. I'm still here! Something shifted when we kissed. It felt as if a rift had been healed. I think. I think I figured it out."

"Oh god Buffy," he cried. They began to kiss in earnest; not one inch of them was left untouched as they worshipped each other's bodies. They made love slowly, discovering each other over and over again. Savoring every moment, grateful that they had another chance, to do things right. To do things together.

They knew it was going to be okay because they were together and their bodies positively hummed because all was once again right with the world. Giles fell asleep that night with Buffy tucked tight in his arms, knowing that it was okay to go to sleep because in the morning she would still be there.

END